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Bullying
You may wonder what a mom of a toddler
knows about bullying. Well, I’ve been the victim of bullying and I’ve
also been the bully. I’ve learned about both sides. So I thought I’d
share with you these 5 steps to stop the bullying in its tracks
Just as the anti-drug campaigns in school
have been fairly ineffective, the new anti-bullying campaign has its
limits in effectiveness as well. Which means every parent, child, and
sibling needs to be aware of it, and doing their best to prevent
bullying from happening.
When I was in elementary I had some
troubling stuff going on. A boy I had a major crush on died one night in
his sleep, I had problems with my parents, and I just wasn’t the most
stable child around. As a result, I bullied a girl who had life even
worse off than I did. Both of her parents were ill so she lived with her
grandma. She didn’t have siblings to gain strength or support from and
she was often alone. And for some sad reason I targeted her. I started
calling her names. I didn’t do it quietly either. I really made others
laugh because of the extremely ugly names I called her. They weren’t
swear words but in kid language they were just as bad -maybe even worse.
I don’t really know how long this had
been going on when I got called down to the principal’s office. I was
about 10 years old and when you are 10 and sitting in front of the
principal for the first time it makes an impact. My knees were shaking,
palms sweating, and with a confused look on my face (as to why I was
even there) our meeting began.
In our meeting he did a few things right and something majorly wrong.
The first thing he did right was to sit
me down and calmly explain that I had been really hurting another girl’s
feelings. He said this girl didn’t have many friends and that she was
often alone and sad because my group of friends and I would laugh at her
and call her embarrassing names.
The next good thing he did was to inform
me that he wouldn’t call my parents if I stopped and never did it again
(showing he was on my side, believed in me, and was a sort of friend to
me). And finally, the third positive thing he did was he introduced me
to an opportunity I had never thought of before. He said if I stopped
calling this girl names and started treating her the way I treated my
other friends, that I could make another friend out of this girl. I
could be kind and possibly have a friend for a long time because she was
a great person and needed friends.
The major thing he did wrong was to
inform me that this girl’s grandmother had called and complained. At
first, I was angry at the grandma. Then I was angry at the girl I was
targeting for telling her grandma. Then I thought ‘well I don’t want to
have anything to do with this girl or her grandma. I can’t make this
girl my friend if her grandma hates me.’ All of these thoughts hit me as
soon as he notified me that it was the grandma that had really called
me into his office. Not him.
At the end of our conversation, I still resented the grandma. Why didn’t she just talk to me? Why did she have to go to the principal? But because he did those other things so well I changed my heart.
The first part was hard, but I did go
apologize and try to make amends. Further, I tried befriending her until
eventually, we became great friends. Life has come between us now but
we have stayed in distant touch.
Two years after this experience when I
was entering Junior High, I heard an inspirational talk at church. It
was about how someone went a whole entire year not speaking a bad word
about anyone. When I heard it, I decided that that was what I was going
to do.
I set a goal for myself that for the
entire year of seventh grade, I would to not say a single thing bad
about anyone. And I didn’t. I really didn’t. It was tough, but long
story short, I made a ton of friends. I felt like most people could
trust me because of it and I really excelled in other areas as well.
Now, I wasn’t perfect in not gossiping in
my eighth grade year. I did find myself slipping a little bit but I
tried not to do it much. As a result of me being friends with most
everyone, I was voted in to be the Student Body President (by the
students) for the 9th grade year.
It seemed others (not just my peers)
noticed as well. In 8th grade I was awarded a prestigious Montgomery
Leadership Award that goes to one girl and one boy from each grade. My
teachers all voted that I showed exceptional leadership skills.
Before 9th grade started, my dad sat me
down and said, “When I was in high school the most popular girl would
say hi to me and call me by name when she passed me in the hall. It
meant so much to me that she would even notice me. I was unpopular, but
the fact that she made an effort to say hi and knew my name really meant
a lot to me. I want you to reach out and befriend those that need
friends and who others make fun of and ignore with your position as
President.”
That was a very meaningful conversation
my dad had with me. We had some major issues growing up but that one
conversation was enough to make me want to be that girl that he remembered 30 years down the road who actually made a positive difference with her popularity.
At lunch I would look for and often find
people who were sitting alone. When I saw them, I would go sit down by
them (even move seats if I was already sitting) and many of my awesome
friends came with. I remember this one boy who always ate his lunch
alone, like really alone. He never had anyone sitting near him day in
and day out. So I began looking for him and sitting by him. All my
friends would too. We got to know him a little, not much, because he was
very shy, and probably even more shy while he was surrounded by
cheerleaders and 9th grade Student Body Officers. But we tried to make
sure he didn’t sit alone.
I said hi to those passing me in the
hall, stuck up for those being made fun of and just really tried to use
my ‘position and title’ for good. I wasn’t perfect but I tried my
hardest to be an influence for good. About five years later I ran into
one of my Junior High school teachers who said that out of the 25 years
she had worked there, I was the best SBO President the school had seen.
While that truly touched me, I wasn’t doing any of it for recognition. I
saw my father in those people who I was trying to lift up. I wanted
them to know they were important, accepted, and noticed.
Well, high school was approaching and we
9th graders were changing. One guy in the popular group (that I was a
part of) decided I just wasn’t cool enough to be ‘in the most popular
crowd’ and he was going to make sure I didn’t feel like I belonged. He
demeaned me, used profanity, and would call me horrible names when we
passed each other in the hall.
After a while it became too much. I would
come home from school and just cry. Or I’d stand in front of the mirror
and practice telling him off. Eventually, I just started getting
creatively mean back, which I knew was not right. But retaliation, I
thought, was my only option.
I found out it wasn’t. Since I was
frequently at the school office for my duties, I had something going for
me. I got to know the wonderful school office secretary pretty well.
She and I actually became great friends. We would chat for a long time
when I was there and eventually I opened up and told her about me being
bullied.
Her reaction shocked me,”Oh that is
something we deal with all the time” she said. “All we do is an
intervention”. “An intervention?” I asked. “Sure” she said. “The
principal just calls this guy down to his office, then calls you. He
sits you down and says that there have been ‘multiple’ reports of
bullying going on. Then he says that if it ever happens again he will
call the parents and issue a suspension. And if it happens once after
that the bully gets expelled”.
I was in shock, “So he doesn’t have to know it was me who told?”
“Nope, he’ll never know”. So I agreed to it.
A few days later I was called to the
principals office. When I arrived, there sat my nervous-looking bully.
The principal made it very clear that multiple anonymous accounts
had been relayed to him that this guy was bullying me. He said that
after he had heard it from multiple different sources he knew it must be
true. He asked us to confirm whether it was happening. My bully said it
was. When he asked me, I confirmed it but I even went so far as to
confess that I’ve sometimes retaliated the bullying as well (just to
make sure my bully didn’t suspect that I told).
The Principal asked who the instigator
was and my bully volunteered. Then he said that if it EVER happened
again, parents would be called in, a suspension will be issued to him,
and further bullying would result in an expulsion from school. He also
asked us which classes (if any) we had together. We sat right next to
each other in the one we had together. So he said he’d send a note to
the teacher to seat us as far apart from each other as possible (which
was a wish come true for me). And he required that we ask for
forgiveness and forgive.
After we left his office not another name
or snide demeaning remark was thrown my way. This guy even said hi to
me when we were all in the same group (as we had many of the same
friends). I was no longer crying in my room or practicing ways to tell
him off in front of the mirror. Or lowering myself to his standard and
making rude comments back. Not being bullied anymore, I went back to
enjoying life.
And there is the point. When someone is
bullied, life cannot be fully enjoyed. The victims are always living in
fear. They have a what-is-going-to-happen-to-me-next mentality. It’s
hard to function well or sometimes even at all. In some extreme cases
people even commit suicide. One boy I was befriending in Junior High
related to me his intentions of committing suicide! So I chatted with
him for a long time, encouraging him, and letting him know he had
friends. I called him, wrote him notes (before the days of texting), and
tried to do all I could to show him I was a friend and that he didn’t
have to resort to contemplating suicide . Thankfully, he never did do
it. But some people do sink that far in extreme cases when their peers
are mercilessly bullying them. Unfortunately, I had a friend who, in
college, felt friendless and did take his life, even though I did my
best to befriend him. So if that has happened don’t blame yourself.
Ultimately, the decision to take their life is the person’s own choice.
But we NEED to do all we can to prevent this disgracefulness from happening. So here are 5 steps to stop bullying in its tracks.
1. Get an intervention between both the
victim and the bully that is held by an authority figure. It’s important
that the authority figure phrases what he/she says just right. He/she
needs to ask both parties if it is going on. He/she needs to act
nonthreatening and neutral towards the bully and victim but be firm with
the consequences if the bullying continues. The words ‘multiple
anonymous reports’ can help the bully believe that he/she has been found
out be many people. It has to be anonymous or else
the bully will retaliate, hold a grudge, or place blame. And try your
best to keep parents out of the initial intervention because certain
types of parents will perpetuate the problem by justifying or denying
the bully’s involvement. In my experience, going to the parents should
be done after other resources have been exhausted.
And inform your kids of options they have
if they are ever bullied that don’t involve you. Teach them that they
can go to the principal or counselor or church leader and request this
kind of an intervention if they’d rather do it without telling you. I
didn’t tell my parents a lot because I didn’t know how they would react.
I was even hit by a car while riding my bike once and I didn’t tell
them (I was just bruised all over and my bike got a little broken) . I
never knew if I would be blamed or grounded or if they would get
stressed and freak out. So let your kids know which options they have to
stop a bully on their own without involving you.
Likewise, ensure them that they can come
to you and you will not freak out or call the bully’s parents, etc. That
is a big part of why kids don’t tell anyone. Most kids don’t know that a
resolution can happen anonymously.
2. Enlist the help of an older sibling or
neighbors. It is sad but true; there are ranks of popularity and
influence in school. If you know someone who is very influential, a
popular neighbor kid or a popular older sibling, ask them to stick up
for the victim and stand up to the bully. This is often the fastest way
to stop bullying in its’ tracks.
3. Teach your children the importance of
supporting and reaching out to those that are bullied. Tell them how
great of an example they will be if they help. You could even make it a
bit of a weekly conversation to ask them what they did to make another
person feel loved and accepted that is often left out or ridiculed. Tell
them to stick up for kids and not judge or gossip.
As parents this is where you need to also
set the example. If you are bad mouthing your neighbor or if you are
derogatory towards other neighborhood kids, then, most likely, your
child will be mean to them too. As parents we need to be setting the
example of kindness and encouraging our children to make a positive
difference in the world.
4. Monitor their texts and social media.
Even if you don’t love Twitter (or even know how to use it), if your
child is on Twitter you need to be on it too. You should be their
friends on Facebook and be following their Instagram and/or Snap Chats.
Keep an eye continually and randomly on what their friends are Tweeting
and Sharing etc. Ask at random to see their phones and read their
messages without any warning so they can’t erase them. If they
themselves are a bully, don’t deny it. Just deal with it. Take away
their privileges. Have a heart to heart about it. Call the other parent
for an intervention. Make sure your child apologizes and changes. If
they are the victim of social media bullying then you should first try
the anonymous intervention tactic. Then move on to more bold ‘parent and
child’ to ‘parent and child’ interventions.
5. Sometimes bullying happens in your own
home. Sometimes it’s the parents who bully the children (i.e. emotional
abuse). Other times it’s the children bullying the parents (i.e. kids
who hit or make a lot of derogatory comments towards parents without
consequences). But most of the time it’s the siblings or the siblings’
FRIENDS who are bullies in the home.
My best friend’s brother would often tie
me up. One time he was about to put my head in the toilet and flush it
(giving me a swirly)…No joke, I was two inches from the water when his
mom came home and rescued me. With me tied up, and my friend not being
able to over power her brother, this situation could have gotten pretty
bad. After that, when we wanted to play I would ask if he was home. If
he was I didn’t go over there. Its important to know what is happening
in your own and your child’s friends’ households.
Don’t allow kids to have their room doors
shut. There are just really weird things that can happen, even
devastating things that can happen, even if you are home, behind a
closed door. Children and teens need parental monitoring. So try to be
home as often as possible and be proactive in asking about what is going
on in your children’s friends homes.
Bullying has been around for years but it
has become even easier to engage in this maliciousness with the
electronic and instant messaging advancements. Parents need to take a
proactive and preventative approach to bullying. Siblings should be
encouraged to stand up for their brothers or sisters. And if your child
is the bully (like I was once) do all you can to help them change. They
can change their hearts and even become a powerful influence for good.
They need your love, example, discipline, and guidance.
This video is a great way to introduce
the topic and get your kid talking about bullying. It is the most
powerful video on the topic that I have ever seen.
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